Running an ISP...

As a preface to this document, the web developers here in the Realm of the Goat would like to say that all of these tips and tricks are the result of actual events. blah blah blah... and shit. Thankfully, you, the reader, now have a "behind the scenes" look at how an ISP should actually be run. This makes a good "FAQ" for managers in the IT field.

  1. Buy computers that work. There's no point in trying to help customers whose computers are 30 times faster than your own.
  2. Train your employees so they know how to use their computers. There's no point in putting technicans on the phone when customers could walk to your location and physically look up their accout faster than the technician.
  3. Don't yell at your employees and call them "invalids" or "stupid". Ironically, this doesn't help work place morale or productivity. Moron.
  4. Make sure you have a valid references. It doesn't help your long distance bill when employees have to download the software the user has installed just to find out where to configure a mail account.
  5. Implement user-friendly accouting programs that don't crash every five minutes. See above...
  6. Don't run 486's. They're old. They crash. They don't like anything Microsoft.
  7. Don't run shitty switches that cause constant packet collisions. Although packet collisions come naturally with Windows, this tends to cause a slow down in available network resources.
  8. Don't run peer to peer networking. Available network resources go down. Me Tarzan, you Jane.
  9. Don't install a phone system that you don't know how to run. Stupid. We can't come up with anything else for this one.
  10. Try providing keys to your employees to get into the office. Locked out employees can't help customers.
  11. Encourage teamwork and a positive work environment, not a business where employees are punished for coughing, or simply breathing at the wrong times.
  12. Don't create menus in the phone system that go in circles or don't work. Customers don't like that, it makes long distance bills bigger, and shows just how dumb and shittily you run your ISP. (Don't email us, we know that "shittily" isn't a word.)
  13. Don't accuse employees of resetting accounts without permission. This isn't good for employee performance, especially when log files clearly show that they didn't reset the account.
  14. When you fire someone, replace them. Don't distribute that person's workload among two other employees.
  15. Staff meetings are not excuses to bash your employees performance. Nor are they places to complain about how your life sucks, or to correct one employee's conduct. Attacking certain employees during a staff meeting is frowned upon.
  16. Do not tell employees about "MANDATORY" staff meetings 2 days before that meeting. As expected, it results in low attendance that you are going to inevitably bitch about at the next staff meeting.
  17. Don't refer to the supervisors that you promoted as "stupid", especially in the presence of other employees. for example, saying the following is BAD: "He's not too technical, but he's your supervisor".
  18. Encourage the shredding of sensitive material. This includes documents containing credit card numbers. Simply throwing them in an empty box or a garbage bag is just IDIOTIC.
  19. Back up your data. You know your accouting program sucks. You know it crashes a lot. WHY DON'T YOU JUST BUY A NEW ONE? Because the old one runs perfectly in DOS. Moron.
  20. Uptime is good. Rebooting or backing up your shitty-ass accounting programs daily during peak usage hours or when everyone seems to call the phone centre only creates for confusion and rage. Did we REALLY have to point this out?
  21. Don't use IIS5. You think you'd learn that Microsoft makes shitty webhosting products when 400 of your domain customers get hacked. Microsoft bad, unix good, and you're just stupid.
  22. Windows sucks. Not only is there about eighteen gazillion exploits with IIS5, but Windows 2000 doesn't run ANYTHING including ASP scripts properly. Creating a ticket system that you don't know how to run or update that depends solely on ASP is as dumb as you PURCHASING A LICENSE for a copy of Windows.
  23. Try to support your users. Don't take on the support for third party Internet Sevice Providers when you lack the resources to adequately support your own. Hire people, you fucking moron.
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