The "How To" guide
to make Grandpa hate you.

This information is for educational purposes only...

  1. (Materials Required: For this step, Grandpa will need to be wearing a hat)
    When greeting Grandpa grab the brim of his hat and apply force downward and on an angle toward his face. This will cause the hard jagged interior of the hat to dig into his nose bridge causing him incredible pain.

  2. (Materials Required: One HB lead pencil.)
    As Grandpa rounds the corner on his way to make a casual bathroom break, stick the pencil (sharpened makes for a better pitched squeal) into Grandpa's side. This is also know as the Mafioso technique.

  3. (Materials Required: 1 2lbs Weight, 2 cups flour, 1 teaspoon vanilla)
    Silly Grandpa is always lured with vanilla. Simply pour the vanilla on the floor (hard or wood surface is preferable). When ol' Gramps bends over to investigate, strike him headlong with your pre-prepared weight then quickly sprinkle the floor where his head should fall when he topples on the flour. When Grandpa collapses painfully, the flour will shoot up and appear as if dust. Then you can joke and giggle telling Grandpa he is so old that he is becoming dusty. Should you be inaccurate in where you place the flour, you will be sacrificing the best part of this silly gag. If this is the case allow Grandpa 10 to 20 minutes to get back up then try again.

  4. Materials Required: 14 feet of fishing line (any weight), 4 jars of honey(any brand), 1 red hot poker)
    This is great fun if you have guests. String a doorway (or hallway) with the fishing line to create a sort of web. Coat the homemade web with the honey you have collected (**please note: using a honey with a high sugar content can result in minor skin damage of your Grandpa, use at own discretion**). Now, this is the fun part, hide close to the area with all your friends. When Grandaddy steps into the messy, sticky web jump from hiding and scream "You are an icky fly and I the spider have come to suck your brains from your skull!!" Then giggle and poke Grandpa with the red hot poker. Continue this until Grandpa is crying and can admit to wearing woman's panties and kissing dogs.

  5. (Materials Required: 1 Wheelchair)
    Let's really send Grandpa on a trip! This method is simple. Against his own free will, strap Gramps into the Wheelchair. Find a steep incline and let him roll! Fun for hours! (Or how ever long until his momentum wears off)

  6. (Materials Required: 2 venomous scorpions, 1 oversized pair of rubber boots, 1 bag of corn chips)
    This one will get Gramps a squirmin'. First wait until the old bloke is asleep. Then put the scorpions in the boots (**keep in mind that the more potent the poison, the stronger the sting; however we recommend straying away from insta-death fatal poison for a longer lasting show**). Slip the boots on Grandpa and begin to crunch and munch on the yummy corn chips you brought along. This loud noise should wake Gramps (if not, proceed to spit bits of chips on him where he lay, but the scorpions should help soon as they become agitated). Startled, Gramps will arise to the nasty sound of crunching, the sting of a dangerous creature and irate from the onslaught of crumbs. This will cause him to dance the "funky chicken" as some call it and will provide a great show for the whole family.

    7. You will be castrated if found copying these. 'Nuff said

    I like peas.