Technical Support Employment Agreement

  1. I am prepared to deal with people with lower brain capacity than the average household fruit fly.
  2. I understand that the "any key" can sometimes be hard to locate on the keyboard.
  3. I am prepared to pretend that I enjoy the conversation topics the rambling customer might choose to discuss with me.
  4. I understand that the elderly and young children are annoying.
  5. I understand that 98% of customers cannot speak any language coherently.
  6. I agree to never use words with more then three syllables when speaking with a customer.
  7. I understand that most customers do not understand that the computer needs to be turned on in order to be used.
  8. I understand it is difficult for the customer to decipher the secret code windows displays when connected to the internet..."You are connected.." and will try my hardest to explain its complicated meaning.
  9. I understand that some customers are cursed to using Macintosh computers.
  10. I understand that my own sanity is at risk when picking up the reciever.
  11. I agree to take only the recommended dose of drugs before arriving at work without exceeding any dangerous amounts.
  12. I promise to advise customers that they need a computer before accessing the Internet.
  13. I understand that there is no such thing as a customer who can properly pronouce NetBEUI.
  14. I understand that sending and receiving email is next to rocket science.
  15. I understand that a customer who can say TCP/IP properly is a myth.
  16. I understand that saying the words, "Je ne parle pas francais." to a french customer means "Please speak faster and without pause."
  17. I understand that banging one's head off the wall is an acceptable way of dealing with stress.
  18. I understand that visiting a customer to bang his or her head against the wall is against company policy.
  19. I understand that it is always our fault.
  20. I understand that we are always wrong.
  21. I understand that people who say they are technicians are in fact humans, with surgically implanted gerbil brains.
  22. I understand that foreign customers find it necessary to scream "HELLO???" everytime there is a 0.06 second pause in conversation.
  23. I understand that it takes an incredible amount of mental ability to decipher the meaning of the words 'click' and 'on'.
  24. I understand that I cannot just hang up on a customer when he/she labels my mother a whore.
  25. I also understand I cannot return such labeling.
  26. I understand that if there are children present at the customer's home, it is advised to speak with them instead.
  27. I understand that the household pet can usually be better understood then Mr or Mrs Wxzu-Fozxn-NzxjGuyat.
  28. I agree to not ignore the phone call when call display reads "Njunoomealdjfreid, John"
  29. I will never assume that Kryzhfchsickxxxhfdksjalovic is a first or last name.
  30. I understand that Windows 95, Internet Explorer and MSN are all valid email programs.
  31. I understand that most customers do not know how to hang up their own phone, and will bear with the repeated slamming, clicking and beeping noises in my ear as they try.
  32. I understand that customers are not voice mail literate. This results in whole conversations with the machine as messages.
  33. I understand that a shoe is more competent to deal with the intricate workings of the "connect to..." screen than the shoe's owner.
  34. I feel for the customer's pain in the form of a severe mental breakdown every time my phone rings.
  35. I understand that when I see "french" written in the problem area of a technical trouble ticket, it truly does mean that the customer's entire problem is the fact that he is french.
  36. I understand that "hate" is an ugly word and should be used as little as possible when referring to customers, especially to their face.
  37. I understand that the faulty interface falls between the chair and the desk.
  38. I understand that Trouble Tickets marked for "4pm" in reality mean that the user should be called back as soon as possible near the termination of my shift.
  39. I promise not to take my lunch break when my coworkers are suffering severe mental breakdown.
  40. I understand that I will not take out charges on users' credit cards for "pain and suffering".
  41. I understand that I am to not look at explicit adult pictures while at work. Administrators and management are exempt.
  42. I agree that newsgroups logs are confidential. I will not point out to users that they have not been to "alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.sheep" lately.
  43. I understand that the sink is NOT a place to empty my coffee cup, and that carpeting absorbs liquids more efficiently.
  44. I understand that my co-workers will never - ever do anything remotely resembling work; instead they will discuss "the matrix" for all eight hours of their shift.
  45. I accept that it will be my job to correct the misinformation that my colleagues give out. It is up to me to finish doing their job for them when they decide to only go halfway with any given customer.
  46. I also accept that my coworkers will only go halfway with every given customer.
  47. I will not threaten to eat customers with the last name COLESLAW.
  48. I promise not to giggle like a school-girl when customers call themselves "stupid".
  49. I comprehend that when returning a customer's call, 'HEY YOU KIDS!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP! *BEEP* click click click BANG' is also another way for the customer to say 'greetings, I have been awaiting your call patiently'.
  50. I will not laugh at suspended users who tried to hack porn sites.
  51. I will not refer to the NT box as "the GIBSON".
  52. I undertand the coffee is an acceptable substitute for any other food.
  53. I realize that it is a fact that other departments - specifically accounting - blame the techs for everything, try to get the techs fired, yet still find the time to provide the techs with work that the techs should not be doing.
  54. On a midnight shift, I will not forget the security system code just to 'wake up the police'.
  55. I furthermore promise I will not suspend 800 accounts 'just to see what happens'.
  56. I will not abuse the PING command on .GOV servers without provocation. If caught, I will refer to my actions as simply "making packets flow in the opposite direction."
  57. I agree not to explore the mysterious array of buttons on the telephone while dealing with a customer.
  58. When transferring a customers call, I will not transfer them back into the queing system.
  59. I promise not to program the telephones in the office to automatically transfer calls in an endless loop when someone tries to forward a call to me.
  60. I realize it is a my own choice not to draw happy faces on the network schematics and various manuals with my friend 'sharpie'.
  61. I will not give out the Hooked On Phonics 1-800 number as opposed to the MAC Technical Support number.
  62. I will EAT all candy I steal from coworkers. If my stomach is full, I promise to at least LICK all the candy I find strewn about in the drawers of the various desks.
  63. I understand that network cable, although pretty blue and alluring, is not to be chewed.
  64. I realize that I will NOT unplug the power supply to the modem pools in order to play CD's.
  65. I will not ammend Internet Access contracts to include a "transfer of the user's soul" clause.
  66. I will refrain from asking the question: "What would you do for a klondike bar?".
  67. I will not play games such as "twist the receiver as many times as possible" and "jump rope" to see who can mangle a telephone cord the most without snapping it.
  68. I will not give away free accounts for cookies.
  69. I understand that should I be forcedly inclined to trade accounts for cookies, it will only be for the kind with the gooey red sugar stuff in the center.
  70. I understand that watching water trickle between the keyboard keys is both fun and entertaining... however, it is dangerous to the equipment.
  71. I will not pick on newer employees by rearranging the keys on the keyboard to spell "FUCK YOU" and "DIE".
  72. I will not fart before I leave the tech pit at the end of my shift.
  73. I understand that pretending I am suddenly someone completely different in mid-conversation with a customer is frowned upon by management.
  74. I will not assume the personality of a telephone sex operator.
  75. I promise not to hook up 'blue boxes' to the company telephone network.
  76. I agree to withold from screaming profanity, sexual comments, or fake foreign tongue into my co-worker's ear while he or she is on the phone.
  77. I understand that not all foreign callers can be nicknamed Abdul or Mohammed without consent.
  78. I realize that pronouncing a foreign name will always result in a spray of saliva across my desk, monitor, and manager.
  79. I will NOT install trojan viruses on the fileservers just 'because I can'.
  80. I will not ask users for a 'secret password' when they call for assistance.
  81. I will not create fraudulent eBay accounts from work.
  82. Although it may be fun to imitate the "VoiceMail Girl" while on the telephone with users, I realize that the message they leave will NOT be recorded.
  83. I understand that I and my supervisor have a different definition of 'colorful comments'.
  84. I promise not to make new users bark like a dog for technical support.
  85. When a customer cancels his account, I promise not to terminate the call with "yeah, well fuck you then!"
  86. When a customer finds it hard to explain his/her problem and uses "uh" ,"err" or "uhm" more then 18 times in the same sentence, I will not return by mocking them with a loud mouthed barrage of exagerated "Uh EERRR uhMM Duh! Uhh AH?? Er"
  87. I will not start callback with: "Yeah hi, is Stupid there please?"
  88. I will not threaten problem users by saying "DAMMIT! You're going on hold to listen to some Kenny G! We'll see what your attitude is like in 5 minutes!"
  89. I will not answer the phone in Yittish.
  90. When a user calls regarding an authentication error, it is best to avoid screaming "AHHHH!! CODE BLUE!!".
  91. I will not tell customers that Satan lives in the heel of my shoe.
  92. I will not ask a customer what they are wearing.
  93. I will not tell a customer what I am or am not wearing.
  94. When a user does not remember their password, I will not say "MORON!!! LINE 1!"
  95. I will not tell users when they are going to die.
  96. I will not tell users that I will "eat their first born".
  97. I will never use the word "user" and "smart" in the same setence.
  98. When I succeed in fixing a user's problem, I will not respond with "HAHA, ph33r me BiZnItCh!!
  99. When a user is reluctant to give me their password, and I finally convince them to do so, I will not brag about my "social engineering" to coworkers.
  100. I will not torture the office mascot while on the phone with a customer.
  101. I will not identify myself as Mr T. when calling customers.
  102. I comprehend that even though I tell a customer to type "INTERNET" in the box for the name of the dialup connection, they will still manage to leave it as "My Connection".
  103. I understand I should not change the Login button on my phone to read "kill user".
  104. I will not club baby seals while on the phone with a customer.
  105. I realize that anyone with a numeric login is either incredibly stupid, or they think they are a h4x0r. I will ph33r numeric logins.
  106. I understand it is considered "fun" for drunken people to leave whacked-out voicemail.
  107. I will not attempt to understand why customers call and leave irate messages at 3:30 in the morning, even when they are greeted with 'our hours are from 8 am to 8 pm'.
  108. I understand that 'inspirational' signs and posted throughout the office are there solely to piss me off.
  109. I will NEVER question the mold growing in the coffee pot.
  110. I understand that network cable is not for braiding or attaching to parts of my body.
  111. I will not crack my knuckles into the telephone receiver.
  112. I will not ask the user "Would you like fries with that?" after taking down a description of the problem.
  113. I will not imitate the customer's voice.
  114. I promise to use verbs during a conversation with customers.
  115. I understand that users who think they know what they are doing is the reason technical support exists.
  116. I will not allow my friends to hide in the accounting office and scare my co-workers when they go in there to shred paper.
  117. I will not steal accounting's coffee.
  118. I will not give Quebec users the Vancouver dialup number.
  119. I promise not to drum incessantly on my desk with my feet or my fingers or other appendages without persmission from the other parties present in the room.
  120. I will never tell foreign users to call the accounting number for technical support.
  121. I understand that people will lie, steal, and cheat just to have the priviledge of speaking to a technician.
  122. I will not laugh into the receiver of my phone when a user tells me that the error message they received was: "Server has gone away."
  123. I will not imitate a modem when speaking to customers.
  124. I realize that suspending accounts does not consist of changing the password so I can use the account at home.
  125. I realize that everyone in the world sits by their phones, and for some reason, they all call for support AT THE SAME TIME.
  126. I promise not to align the fax machine with the paper shredder as to automatically shred all incoming documents.
  127. I will not eat the green mold I mistake as food in the fridge.
  128. I will not melt the tips off of all the pens in the office as to cause sucide attemps by feeble, mentally unstable employees.
  129. I understand that when I tell the user to clear the zeros out the PRIMARY and SECONDARY DNS server boxes, they will leave them both with 0.0.0.0, and clear the zeros out of the WINS server boxes, and type in the DNS servers there. They will then wait until the setup is complete to tell me that they entered the DNS servers in the wrong boxes.
  130. I understand that a mailbox greeting stating specifically "Do not leave a message here" means that the user SHOULD leave an incredibly detailed message - in french.
  131. Cocktail sausages are for EATING, not for pelting other techs.
  132. I understand accounting employees get mad when their food dissapears.
  133. I will not contribute to the dents in the wall by banging my head repetetively on it.
  134. I realize that most users depend on technical support for all things not technical.
  135. I will cover the mouthpeice to yell "SHUT THE HELL UP!! I'M ON THE PHONE!" while speaking to a customer.
  136. I will not put AOL CD's into the vending machine.
  137. I will not distribute free AOL cd's as staff Christmas gifts.
  138. I will not play the smash hit "Shut your fucking face uncle fucker" while on the phone with irate customers.
  139. I understand that co-workers will babble on incessantly about "THE MATRIX" and it's idiotic plot.
  140. I understand that I can't make up names for customers like "You stupid fat cunt".
  141. I realize that if it's not on the desktop, then it's not installed.
  142. I understand that I may encouter customers who tell me to "go fuck myself".
  143. When a customer says "NOTHING WORKS!" they really mean "I'm frustrated and confused. Please help me resolve my problem patiently."
  144. When a customer tells you that they "can't do anything", they really mean "I have the IQ of a turtle and require special attention."
  145. When a customer finds it necessary to tell you that "I am a qualified technician, and I have my MCSE", they actually are implying "I am the Princess of York. Please help me remove the stick from my ass."
  146. When a customer tells you that their problem is that "I can't get e-mail", they are actually trying to tell you that "I wasn't aware computers don't do what I am thinking without me actually having to physically interact with them."
  147. When a customer complains that "You guys keep kicking me off!", the customer is trying to tell you that "The men in the black suits followed me home again today. CONSPIRACY THEORY!"
  148. When a customer complains that "I called 240 times 4 months ago and nobody has returned my calls.", they are in actuality implying "I called 3 seconds ago, and I have a patience disorder."
  149. You understand that if the person calling for support cannot find their START button, it may be because Start was mispelled on their version of Windows, or they did not pay the Windows registration fee and thus the Start button was removed.
  150. I understand that customers will always call me, the technician, for help with their hotmail account, ICQ, their monitor, or other product which I obviously cannot help them with. After suggesting that they contact the source of the problem, IE: hotmail, they will always ask me for their 1800 support number. I will gladly supply the AOL or MAC support numbers in these cases.
  151. I will ask users that I cannot understand to please being speaking Spanish, explaining carefully to them: "We don't mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarted 4-year-old; you don't make a hell of a lot of sense in your mother tongue either."
  152. I comprehend that I will always be the last one in the office to be told of a network outage.
  153. I realize that the best way to deal with an irate customer is simply to put them on hold.
  154. I will not suggest to customers that they "shut the fuck up".
  155. I will not run industrial sized rolls of toilet paper through the paper shredder, overheating it.
  156. I realize that management will block port 25 connections solely because they wish to lose customers.
  157. I realize that even though I have been in the company longer, have more knowledge of technical support, and in general am smarter than the "new guy", he will be promoted to "supervisor" status before I.
  158. I understand that all supervisors are morons. They prove this by asking such questions as: "What is TCP/IP?" or saying "I just learned what token ring topology is!"
  159. I understand that my lunch break is to be used to do someone else's job. Mainly accounting's, or the new supervisor's.
  160. I understand that even though I do my best for the company, that I will never achieve anything above an entry level position.
  161. I understand that I am 100% to blame for the mistakes made by the idiots in Tier 1 support.
  162. I will not change the hold music so as to play the song "Show me your pussy" by Lords of Acid.
  163. I realize that it is my sole responsibility to clean up after other employees, shredding their used paper, cleaning up their garbage, wiping their asses and cum from the keyboards after they've finished a midnight shift.
  164. I will not smoke weed at work, the smell disturbs mangement who doesn't have any.
  165. I will keep in mind that sex on the photocopier results in blurry printouts...
  166. I will further keep in mind that sex with the paper shredder is not advised.
  167. I realize that customers will blame me for the spam they receive in their mailbox.
  168. I understand that my coworkers are teeny bopper computer morons that find amusement in having "LAN parties" and playing Dungeons & Dragons. They never have, and never will have sex with anything that breathes.
  169. I comprehend that when my boss fires some guy cause he smells, he's stupid, and he can't sing, that he'll hire someone equally as smelly, dumb, and tone-deaf, as before, but this time he'll be a highschool dropout that still lives with his parents.
  170. I understand that the company I work for takes pride in hiring middle aged high school drop outs that can't find employment at the local McDonald's. They don't know how to use a computer, or walk and chew gum at the same time. Ironically, all their names seem to start with "J".
  171. I realize that the training of new employees consists of sitting them in a small windowless room where the ones who are fluent in English are a minority.
  172. "Trainers", who are paid 35K a year to do their job, will be people that attempt to teach the new employees everything they already know while at the same time actually making them dumber for listening to their incessant ramblings about "click" and "double click".
  173. I realize that there is nothing more painful than four weeks worth of not-so-intense training geared towards the simpletons of today's unintelligent society.
  174. The new employees will ask me the most retarded and offbase questions known to carbon-based life forms.
  175. I will not hack into the IVR, change my call display to read "Satan" and call the local church. Actions such as this will lead to dismissal.
  176. I will not subscribe other employee's email accounts to hundreds of mailing lists just to piss them off.

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